....Pops been sick...i'm sitting on the hosptital computer coz pops went into A Fib which is another term for... what the doc said..."if you leave AMA you will come back dead"...two days ago his pulse rate was 130 with atrial fibulation....i've been taking care of pops for over a year...sometimes i slip and call him mr. k and you know i got really close to him and we spent the summer feeding Randy, our pet squirrel...he lives above my house... and actually knows his name and almost came inside our house twice this year and pops and i just our buddies and i can't handle another loss but i had to sit down for four hours in the e.r. and make sure he stayed in the hospital and you know life is just twisted and he is unwell and i fell this winter myself inside! not outside on the thick ice... inside trying to change a light bulb i fell off the stand and i broke my ankle and i'm trying to write without the muse...it's just not there...but the possibility of a loss is...and i am on standby...mentally...and have already alerted my Psychiatrist that pops got sicker....worried....unhurried... praying...got nothing to pay back.... karma already came and went...now just setting up the good to set up the pay it forward world...just pay it forward. nothing more nothing less. settle up. no first, no second best. paybacks are a ..... you know the rest...the score is settled, but i'm weary and ready to semi-retire in the warmth of a winter that is climate by the beach house and i have to wait this out until pops is settled into his own mortality which he is facing and i to help him...God doesn't give us more than we cannot handle.
Prayers.
....and what's up with the ice cream man....the last man standing....i'm just trying to survive this life...getting through this brutality of a winter with the probability of another huge loss albeit with a broken ankle and a filling pulled and replaced yesterday and hey, i was in the paper shown walking in the freeze down weather a few weeks ago... surviving....world...cut me some slack... ease up the fishing line and draw back... i ain't hurting nobody....no more... never have...
.....and so....cold brutal winter screaming fits of total freeze on me of unjustness....sickness....whole... of me...done....with the mess..slip fall...done with shots...back to self... waiting...planning a move...very soon... this time...real...have money...to... my child's territory....probably by summer...2 hours from her...been working on it with her grandparents as she is taking acting classes...is in a musical.. got a Yamaha drum kit for Christmas and is in the church drumming section...at her church....what a happy happy kid... my kid is happy....and that eases my pains.... she told me she cannot wait until two years when she gets her cell phone and we can talk "every day".....i'm a lady in wait... and it's hard...i've had to cut back but am managing to get a new puter in a couple of months until i get down to be near her as her grandfather will be retiring from his practice up north....in the summer... she will be going overseas this summer as she had told me she wanted to go to London.
And me? I've been battling the months of the birth and death...ten-year anniversary of my mother's death and no longer speak to any of my family on that side and have had vivid dreamscapes and some depressions have lapsed and then sickness and it's been a very trying time and my friend is willing to take me down to be near my child and then i can someday find my own place and groove but until then it's been cutbacks on my part and the lossess and the gains and i'm missing out on her life and it's been time to go here soon....i'm elated that she is drumming and she is very happy...and will be traveling to Pheonix on spring break and so i have my moments when the muse has hit and hit big but no computer so i do believe i have it all stored up in my mind as i always tend to keep it and i listen to music and i tend to notice a lot of rage music and i like a lot of it but not the hater music and so i've switched my music pattern as i often do since my depressions switch patterns....they had me on a shot that made me feel nothing and now i forced them to take me off of it so i could at least feel something, anything... God....and then you know Pops, he been sick and my friend, he been in jail and for petty stuff both of them and it amounts to huge things and then huge heat bills come in and life is tough in the big ten i'm tellin' the world that livin' up north is no pancake selling ice cream drivin' truck pastime... there's little future in the slick sidewalk world where the hat is blown by the wicked wind and you are couped up with viral and bacterial infectious coup de tents whatever and then the rest you know about if you grew up in this bastardized mess of weatherized bullshit...basically a standardized version of cold ass hell...on feet....and the wheels can't get out coz of the solid ice so i imagine elderly people breaking bones and bones and bones breaking and hearts aching and warm stoves and lots and lots of coffee drinking days and nights and thank God for friends stopping in for coffee and smokes....it's the random moments....they count...then you hear a song...then a song gets stuck...then you know stuff gets lost as you get older and then things get found and you don't remember and such is....such is...the random moments that count and the karmic connections that work their way in inner connect that save the day the month the way of the harsh blows that could have but did not happen.... "everything counts in small amounts" those random smokes...that extra cigarette... the trade for the coffee maker...the ice picks taken to the ice...the salt sold out.. the walks to take Pops home....we love Pops. Thanks for what is and what is to be and i do have a "mouth full of cavities" to be filled for my love of candy...so you know... ...No thanks for some of this mess... but on the other hand,
thanks, God.
not having much to do with the outside world you know avoiding it i can't answer any questions except it seems to me going along okay on the home front as far as the semi-downright poverty level goes....how else can one put it when things tend to get better and more money comes in hand then the electric bills get higher...so it defeats itself and the Repub gov. here is cutting back Medicaid which is nearly void save for the higher cap on dental.... so it seems since they passed that healthcare bill... God only knows....everything holy....keep it....
save it....Ferris.....save Ferris i've had this song stuck in my head for days... must play it....
